ONION: Headlines And Opinion From America's Finest News Source

Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other
"Education is the single most important issue of today. More important than... you know, all the other issues combined."

Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of 'Change'
"Today, Americans face a great many challenges, and I hear your desperate calls for barely measurable and largely symbolic improvements in the status quo," said Obama.

Parents Legally Change 9-Year-Old's Name To Better Reflect Current Pop Culture
"Britney just seems a little bit old-fashioned is all," mother Heather Patterson said. "We want our little girl to have all the advantages a name like Miley, or maybe Hannah, would give her."